over the hill

i feel like i'm having a mid-life crisis. well, not exactly, because i'm not at that mid-life point yet -- i'm 30 -- but i'm approaching it, which is why i'm having a crisis.

up until recently, i had sort of been living under the illusion that i was still a young thing in my twenties. even when i hit 30, i thought: i'm still so young. i have my whole life ahead of me. but that's not entirely true, is it. and the behaviors i had been allowing because i was still "young" and "busy with life and work" really need some adjusting. after all the weight gain from the brain tumor, i had fallen into the trap where i felt that it was okay to be seriously overweight. i'm eating less than most cheeseburger-inhaling americans, right? i'm vegetarian, i hike in the summers, i don't drink soda or eat whole boxes of twinkies. i'm healthy, even though i'm overweight, so it's okay, right? wrong. being older means i can't just let that be enough. i can't rest on my good blood pressure and cholesterol, or my relative youth anymore, because the older i get, the more problems this weight will cause. being vegetarian -- or better yet, vegan -- might help stave off the diabetes and heart disease for a little while, but eventually it will become an issue. it scares me to think about that, and to be honest, i'm tired of carrying around the emotional baggage that comes with being overweight. it's wearing on me. i wonder why i feel so tired and so down all the time, and i know it's because of how i look.

and it's not just the weight, either. i've allowed myself to live like a college student for too long -- the messy house, the doctors appointments i put off like term papers that i don't feel like doing, the takeout and pizza because i don't feel like cooking. allowing myself to indulge in things that i don't need to fill some hole in my life that i wouldn't have if i just got off my ass and did something. writing is my absolute passion, but i know i also use it as a way to get out of doing things that need to be done, like taking care of the house and myself. and it's nice to be a character who is thin and pretty and has a job she loves and a clean apartment. the problem is, i spend so much time cultivating her that i don't leave enough time to do the same with myself. and that's not to say i want to give up writing. jesus, that's the one thing that keeps me sane. well, that and my wife. but i need to allow myself a little of that energy to get my act together and become the person i want to be.

it's time to grow up.

and at the same time, it's time to live a little. my wife and i always joke that we're like a couple of old farts. this past weekend, we took a train to new york city. when we were getting off the train to come home at 8:00 at night, there were a bunch of people all dressed up, just getting ready to go into the city for a night of fun. i was ready for bed. the idea of going out dancing at 9:00 at night seems so absurd to us. but jeez, we're not that freaking old. and i feel like if i looked better and took better care of myself and wasn't overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done, i would probably have the energy to go out dancing. the energy to be the young thirty-something that i am.

there needs to be a balance. i just have to figure out a way to find it.