three years ago today, i lost my childhood dance instructor, j. robin decker. i started taking lessons at her dance school when i was six years old. i was terribly shy, and awkward, and as a child, i hated taking those lessons. as i got into my pudgy pre-teen years, i finally convinced my mom to let me drop dance altogether. i was overweight, uncomfortable being in leotards in front of everyone, and the sheer terror brought on by the idea of recitals really broke me down. i breathed a big sigh of relief when i didn't have to go anymore, but part of me missed it. part of me missed robin. we were on the mailing list and got the class schedules every spring and fall, and i used to sit in my room and stare at the schedules, wishing i wasn't so fat and ugly. after a year of no lessons, and a year of dodging robin in grocery stores and restaurants so i wouldn't have to explain my absence, i decided that i'd had enough, and i put all my energy behind losing weight. in just a few months, i dropped 60 pounds, and suddenly everything came to life again. with my confidence boosted, i became more popular, i had no shortage of dates, and i started becoming more active in clubs and activities at school.
one evening, when my mom and i were grocery shopping, i spotted robin and instead of running away, this time i went up to her and said hello. she couldn't believe how much different i looked. and she asked me to come back. so i did. i went back, and i challenged myself with new classes. i took a job working for robin in her dance supply store, and we became very close. i was part of the dancing family. part of the decker family. there were dinners, and drinks, and post-recital parties, holiday gatherings. so much love and support. she was like a second mother to me. i had grown up under her care and her guidance.
when i left home to go to college, that community was what i missed most. it broke my heart. when i was home, i was there, but it wasn't the same anymore. at a time in my life when everything was turned upside down, what i wanted was that love and support and stability. i was learning so much more about who i was, and it frightened me. coming out was one of the most difficult things i've ever had to do, and when my family struggled with it so, i turned inward. i pulled away from everything i had known and put my energy into a woman who took my heart and held it captive. i allowed her to control my life, allowed her to keep me away from the people who truly loved me and cared for me. i stopped responding to letters and phone calls. i let every other relationship crumble, including the one i had with robin.
what a fool i was. when all was said and done, i was left with a broken heart and relationships damaged beyond repair.
so when robin died, it was a huge blow. i had foolishly thought i had time to try and mend the relationships i lost. but life doesn't work like that. when sue died, i should have taken heed and realized that there's never any guarantee for another day. i should have called robin and asked if she wanted to get dinner. i should have made the effort. but i didn't. and then she was gone. the second mother, the teacher, the friend, the biggest inspiration in my life. i let her slip away, and then i was left only with regret. it's something i feel daily. i kick myself each time i think about that stupidity. but the stupidity continues. i had made a vow that i wasn't going to let life just pass me by anymore. but here it is, three years later, and i'm no different. i still don't take care of myself. i still don't nurture those relationships. i'm still talking about the same things over and over and over again, but there's no action there.
i'm such a loser.
it's time to start taking responsibility. i have only today to make the right decisions, only now. and dammit, i'm not going to screw it up again.
robin, this one's for you.
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