on holiday

it's been a long time. going on vacation threw me off my game, and my new desk at work doesn't really allow me to sneak in those morning blog entries. so here i am.

i'm up to 17 pounds now, which is good. but i wish i could be making better progress. it's been two months. i really need to step up my workouts. of course, i just got the jillian michaels 30 day shred video, and she's kicking my ass. it nearly killed me last night. but it'll definitely do the trick.

right now the wife is away, which usually means that i don't do anything. but i've been eating well, and exercising every day. so i guess that's good.

but really, i have to get my ass in gear. i have only five months until skate canada, where i will be purchasing a new wardrobe from roots. so i need to lose a lot of weight by then. plus, we're going to train to climb the thousand islands skydeck on the way into canada, so i have to be in wicked good shape by then. oh, and we're going to acadia at the beginning of that month, so i'll need to be in good enough shape to do those tough trails.

gah! need to get in gear!

how am i going to do it without my weekly dose of taylor schilling?

guess i'll just have to look to that cutie tessa virtue.

[i LOVE the person who screencapped this. it was from the NBC post-closing olympic ceremony show, and when i saw that two seconds of tessa, i wished that i had a photo of her at that moment. so cute. so, thankyouthankyouthankyou fellow livejournal tessa junkie. i'm still not ready to erase it from my DVR, but i'm happy that there's a stillshot out there on the net.]

but anyway. yes. tessa. inspiration.

in all seriousness, who wouldn't want to have a body like hers? she's a freakin' powerhouse.

tessa, be my guide.

what would taylor schilling do?

11 pounds. five weeks and 11 pounds down. only 139 pounds to go. seems like such an impossible feat, but i'm committed to making it happen. and it's gotten easier. i got over that second week slump where you feel like your body is going to eat itself because you're so hungry. and i got past the fourth week slump where you wonder why you're still doing this and you just want to go back to eating normally again. now i'm closing in on week six, and it's not so hard anymore. i don't get nearly as hungry, and i have more energy for exercising.

the other night, at the track, on my sixth lap of walking, i suddenly remembered taylor schilling. what would she do? would she wimp out on running because she was tired and hungry? hell no. she'd get that skinny little ass in gear and run. so run is what i did. and i was able to run for longer distances. i'm so proud of myself. made me almost want to go out to the track last night and repeat my performance. except that last night was strength training and boxing night. also housework night.

oh, and -- taylor schilling night. new episode of "mercy." you can bet your ass that my ass was on the couch for that hour. gotta love those dimples.

v is for...

four weeks ago, i made the decision to go vegan. i didn't really tell anyone, like my parents or anything. i just said i wasn't eating cheese because of the fat content. but really, i was giving this vegan thing a test run. and here i am, four weeks later, and the only non-vegan thing i've had was a single bite of birthday cake. i'm pretty impressed. i didn't think i could give up mozzarella cheese, which was really the only thing stopping me from going vegan. but it hasn't been too bad. yeah, i've had cravings. but overall, i feel pretty good about the decision. and i'm going to continue with it.

today, though, i told my soon-to-be co-workers that i'm vegan, and they were full of the same questions that most meat eaters are: how do you get your protein? what if the milk is organic? don't you know that humans are meant to eat meat? there's a circle of life for a reason... yada, yada, yada. i was pretty much getting attacked by one person, in particular, who went to vet school and said she went veg during her time in college because of all the research she was reading. but then decided she couldn't live that way, and now tries to do organic/local/self-sustaining farming. and i think that's great. if i raised my dairy cows and milked them myself and had a way to pasteurize the milk, yeah, maybe i wouldn't be vegan. but the thing is that i don't, so i have to go with what works for me. i told her that i'm not out to convert anyone, or push my beliefs on anyone -- what's right for me isn't right for everyone. but she just wouldn't let it go. and i was reminded of myself ten years ago, when i was just as hostile with my wife because i didn't understand it, and i probably had some guilt in there too. i chose not to think about how my food choices mattered because i didn't want to give up the things i enjoyed. being a picky eater, chicken and turkey and cheese subs were my staples. and so a lot of my lashing out probably had to do with my own insecurities and feelings of guilt for eating animals.

but things are different today. i did a lot of research, and there were health problems to contend with, too. going organic did a lot for relieving the symptoms of my pituitary tumor, but not enough. giving up meat altogether did help. and now that i've given up dairy, i feel even better. it was a choice that i made for both my spiritual and physical well-being. it really isn't for everyone, and i understand that. for me, it really is a spiritual thing. my soul feels lighter as a result, and as hokey as that might sound to others, it's just how it is. not everyone will choose this path, and i accept that. i'm not into the PETA way of doing things -- cramming it down the throats of anyone who will listen. extremism always seems harmful to me, because it pushes people away. instead, i'd rather live by example. this is an alternative, for people who might want to feel healthier or reduce their footprint or find a more compassionate way of living.

but again, it's not for everyone. this is just my journey. and all i can do is be present in it, and hope that people will understand.

the wrath of taylor schilling

last night i didn't feel like running at the track. i kept a good pace with the walking, but i just didn't feel up for jogging.

and this is the face taylor is giving me now:



"Oh, so you just didn't feel like it," she says. she's not impressed.

see what i mean?

today, though, i'm going to do cardio in addition to my scheduled strength training.

oh, and look at that smile now.


see? taylor's happy when i exercise.

look at that pretty smile. those sparkling blue eyes, those perfect white teeth. those dimples (oh dear god those dimples). the confidently messy hair. she knows she's pretty.


even in that boxy poly-cotton blend bowling shirt. she's confident. and that goes far.

maybe someday that will be me. not the pretty smile or perfect teeth or dimples. but the confidence. think i can get there again? jeez, i sure hope so.

[photo 1: nbc.com / photos 2+3: broadwayworld.com]

look out, below

i'm feeling good today. positive. almost upbeat. i was thinking lots about our favorite place to go, acadia, and thinking about the hundreds of wonderful hiking and climbing trails available to us. i've got to get in shape so that we can do lots of them while on vacation in the fall. the one i'd really like to do is the precipice trail, which is a one-mile straight-up-the-side-of-a-cliff hike. they consider it a non-technical climb. it's that steep. you're basically hanging on to the oddly-placed metal rungs that are jutting out from the rock wall.


yup, there it is.

it's tough to do when you're in shape and small, but hauling my fat ass up there? no way. i want to do it, though. and if i train hard enough, maybe i can. perhaps not this fall, but maybe next fall.

now that it's staying light out later in the evening, we've gotta start hiking after work. even if we just go to kennedy park, or pleasant valley, or wherever, and try to do the more difficult trails within those parks.

god i love hiking. you sweat, and you get out of breath, and you're exhausted and bugs are biting you and it's hell on earth, but it's also so rewarding and amazing. one of my favorite things to do. for me, it's a spiritual experience.

so, it's time to lace up those new hiking boots and hit the trails. and hopefully that will help me shed some more of this weight.

skinny little bitch

you know what? taylor schilling is a pain in my ass. she's skinny and tall and gorgeous, and it makes me mad. every time i want to eat something bad, or skip a day of exercise, there she is, pointing that skinny finger of hers at me. "you wanna be a fatty all your life?" she asks, doing that adorable rapid blinking thing that she does.


curses. how can i slack off when those cute dimples are staring me in the face? dimples. i used to sort of have dimples, back before i got fat.

but i digress.

do you know how many pounds i lost last week? zip. that's right. i slacked off with my exercising, and i lost nothing. i'm irritated. i've been so good the past three weeks, eating salads for lunch, and rice and veggies for dinner. no chips, no cheese, no ice cream, no donuts, no cheating. and i got nothing for it last week. oh well. now that my wife is back, the exercising has resumed. and i've been better about eating, too. let's hope it pays off this week.

you can back off now, taylor. i'm back on track.

slugs-r-us

so, i actually lost five pounds last week. my weigh-in day is tuesday, but i just couldn't wait which is why i got on the scale on monday. when i got on tuesday, i'd lost five pounds. sweet!

but i've been such a slug this week with the wife out of town that i will probably gain it all back. i haven't worked out since saturday, and i haven't been good about making a salad for lunch each day. i have stayed pretty well within my calories, but i'm worried about the not-working-out thing. gonna get my butt back in gear tonight, though. sweatin' to the oldies, here i come.

also, i really need to get my act together and get the house in good shape. we're going on vacation in just over two weeks, and i don't want the house looking like hell. all i want to do on the weekends is write and plan little trips for us, etc. but what i really should be doing is cleaning the house from top to bottom. and then once it's clean, get a schedule going to keep it that way.

but again, i'm a slug. and you can't teach an old slug new tricks.

the easter bunny left me a tempeh burger

another three pounds. i'm getting slightly discouraged. but i'm trying to think about it this way: i'm six pounds lighter than i was two weeks ago. and that's better than nothing, right? i just feel like i should be losing more, for all the calorie-counting and exercising i'm doing. but it is more sustainable to lose it slowly.

i sort of fell off the wagon when it came to journaling and chores last week, but i did stick to my meal plans (pretty much) and exercising. this week, with the wife out of town, i'm hoping to get back into the chore thing. i guess we'll see.

yesterday was a day of poor eating. it was easter, after all, so there was a good vegan brunch at mom and dad's. it could have been a lot worse, but there were pancakes and veggie bacon and homefries and hash browns. and then we went to this amazing vegan restaurant in connecticut where we had the best tempeh burgers ever. roasted red peppers, basil/cilantro pesto, vegan cheese -- yum! i felt really guilty for going so far off the diet, but it was a holiday. and i'm back on track today...sort of. i have to finish off the leftover potatoes and pancakes, and then it's back to salad and fruit.

yay. can you feel my excitement?

so, i had to up my caloric intake. i was ill from being overhungry, and i know that's not going to help me. so, i'm going to take in more calories, but increase my workouts to help off-set that. i think i just did too much too quickly. once my body has adjusted, then i can gradually taper off on the number of calories i'm eating. i'm nervous it's going to slow my progress, but i can't be sick all the time.

it's wednesday, and i've been good so far this week with my diet and workouts. tonight we're going to the track, and i'm going to try and get more jogging in. usually i can only jog for about ten seconds at a time, but i'm going to try and increase that. one lap walking, second lap i'll alternate every quarter, third lap i'll try to run half-laps, and then maybe by the fourth i can do an entire lap of jogging. yeah, right. i'll be lucky if i can do the quarter laps. but i'll give it a try.

whuck?

so, today was my weigh-in. after a week of eating super healthy, tracking every calorie i take into my body, and working out every day, i lost a whopping three pounds. three pounds??!!! after all that hard work? i'm disappointed, and discouraged. i didn't cheat, i didn't skip a day. damn. i was hoping for a bigger number. something that would keep my motivation level high. after all, i swapped eating cheese subs for eating grapes and cucumbers. but it just wasn't meant to be this week. i know many factors affect weight -- lack of sleep, stress, hormones, water retention, etc. but still. i guess all i can do is keep working and pray for a better number next week.

now that i've gotten a routine down a bit better, i need to figure out how to maximize my time. my wife and i stay up late writing every night, so we don't really get the rest we need. the problem is, by the time we get home, work out, make dinner, prep our lunches, etc., it's already 8:00. and two hours of writing just isn't enough. so i need to figure out how to use my time on the weekends to bake what i can, freeze what i can, do whatever prep work i can to help preserve those evening hours. then we can try to get to sleep at a decent hour each night.

i'm still proud of myself for sticking to everything this past week. i just wish that hard work had paid off a little more.

get out the short shorts

it's the start of a new week. and tomorrow morning is my weigh-in. i've been so good this week -- and this weekend, too. we went to the track saturday morning, and i didn't stray from my eating plan once this weekend, even when faced with baked ziti and birthday cake and coconut milk ice cream. i'm pretty proud of myself.

tonight i'm digging out my old standby workout -- my beloved richard simmons' "sweatin' to the oldies." yes, it's dated. but hey, it works. when i was in high school, that was how i lost weight before i went back to dance. i did that freakin' video every day. it's a good cardio workout, especially for someone fat like me. and since it's pouring rain, i can't go to the track. well, i can go to the track. i just don't want to in the rain. so richard simmons it is. and i'm actually looking forward to it.

it's friday, and i survived my first five days of project puff-to-buff. i feel good. i feel more in control. i feel like it's going to work this time. if i can just keep this up for three weeks, it will become habit.

i'm so proud of myself. i didn't think i would ever be able to get myself together. especially with so many temptations. hell, we've had vegan candy bars sitting on the kitchen counter for an entire week, and i haven't touched them. and we're going to albany tomorrow where there is pizza place that serves vegan pizza and amazing vegan chicken nuggets and baked goods, and instead, we're having pasta with mom and dad. heck, i'm not even going to indulge in my grandmother's coolwhip cake (as much as i want to). it's not like i can't ever eat those things again. the only successful way to do this is moderation, and denying yourself all treats won't work. it's just that while i'm in this transitional stage, i don't want to give myself the opportunity to fall back into my old habits. i'm gonna give it a month. then i should be able to indulge once in a while without it sabotaging my entire new eating plan.

i'm also thinking that this is the perfect opportunity for me to go vegan once and for all. i've avoided cheese this week because of the fat, and i should continue to do so. if i'm going to give it up for this, i might as well give it up for good. i will miss my cheese pizza, and those amazing subs from the deli near work, but jeez. when i think about what i've been eating this week -- fresh fruits and veggies, homemade granola bars -- and then i think back to last week, eating a whole footlong sub loaded with cheese and italian dressing...whoa. no wonder i'm so fat. i would like to think such a big change in my diet will really help shed the pounds. that plus the exercise should certainly do something. i'm just so anxious to see the results.

130 pounds. it's a bit daunting, but i'm ready for the challenge. just gotta take it one pound at a time.

on to day four

okay, so i've been super good about my eating and exercise plans. but i've fallen off a bit on the other things. i never did the prep work last night for my dinner today, and i didn't get some other things done on my to-do list. BUT, i still think it's a great accomplishment for me to have stuck to my workout and meal plans thus far. i even dragged my ass out of bed this morning at 5:15 to go walking at the track in the dark. i wasn't happy about it. and my poor wife had to deal with my moodiness. but we didn't succumb to the desire to skip our workout, and i'm proud of us for that.

i feel like my willpower is growing stronger every day. i'm getting used to the whole only-eating-when-i'm-hungry thing, and i'm also getting used to not giving in and eating at the slightest pang of hunger. i'm eating smaller portions, i'm eating more fresh, raw food, and i feel really good. i can't wait to start seeing some real results.

i'm not a f*$#ing drag queen

week one, day 2 down. stuck to my meal plan the entire day, and feel pretty good about it. tonight we're going out to dinner with a friend, but i've already entered into sparkpeople the meal that i plan to eat: grilled veggies with tofu, sauteed green beans (not the best for me, but what can you do), and brown rice. yum. i can't wait. my stomach is growling just thinking about it.

dieting sucks. i hate restricting myself so much, but i know it's good for me. and when you start tracking everything that you eat, and you enter it into sparkpeople, you realize just how many freakin' calories you eat. it's scary. so, i'm dieting. and i hate it. but hunger pains are becoming my friends. and pretty soon, they'll go away, and i'll stop craving things like pizza and donuts and pasta smothered in cheese.

dear god i'm hungry.

also continuing the exercise. even got up early this morning to box.

AND i've been doing my chores. wow. who the heck am i?

i could say it's all for the vegan jokerz candy bar that i'm saving as a reward for my efforts this week, but to be honest, i don't even want it. it's amazing how quickly your body turns against sugar and grease. i'm glad for it. it'll make this whole dieting thing a lot easier.

tonight we also get to watch two shows with actresses who are inspirations for my weight loss. taylor schilling is just wicked skinny and pretty, but mariska hargitay is curvy and muscular, and i would be happy to have a body like hers. yes, i'd prefer to be skinny enough to be androgynous, but i know that won't happen. even when i was 110 pounds, i still had those hips. going to do a bit of pampering tonight, too, and paint my nails while we watch shows. even though i tend to look like i have the hands of a drag queen when i paint my nails, it still makes me feel pretty. sort of. so i'm gonna do it.

i heart hunger pains

when you're trying to make big life changes, sometimes it's the little things that make a difference. yesterday i stuck to my meal plan 100%. i was starving in the evening, but i only ate the vegan jello i had made for myself. for me, not snacking in the evening is a huge deal. it was a big success. and i feel stronger today because of it. something i found back when i dieted in high school was that self-control can be a huge high. back then, i took it to the extreme, and allowed it to bring me to the point of near-anorexia, but i know i won't make that mistake again. i enjoy eating too much now. when i was in high school, i could only stomach chicken, pizza, and bagels. so giving up food wasn't a big deal.

so, i'm going to ride this high and hope that i can continue to make the right choices. i won't starve myself or get sick for the sake of losing weight, but i know now that i can beat that temptation. and i have to remember how good it feels the next time i want to shove some potato chips in my face.

after weighing in last night, and looking at my goals, it looks like i could lose the weight i need to lose in one year. i want to drop 130 pounds. it's about 2.5 pounds per week, which i think is totally doable. the caloric restriction that sparkpeople gives me is a little scary, but i'm determined to make it work. measuring cups and hunger pains are going to be my new best friends. but as i begin to lose weight, and my body adjusts to a new way of eating and being, it won't be so bad. and then it'll just become a new way of life for me.

no day but today

three years ago today, i lost my childhood dance instructor, j. robin decker. i started taking lessons at her dance school when i was six years old. i was terribly shy, and awkward, and as a child, i hated taking those lessons. as i got into my pudgy pre-teen years, i finally convinced my mom to let me drop dance altogether. i was overweight, uncomfortable being in leotards in front of everyone, and the sheer terror brought on by the idea of recitals really broke me down. i breathed a big sigh of relief when i didn't have to go anymore, but part of me missed it. part of me missed robin. we were on the mailing list and got the class schedules every spring and fall, and i used to sit in my room and stare at the schedules, wishing i wasn't so fat and ugly. after a year of no lessons, and a year of dodging robin in grocery stores and restaurants so i wouldn't have to explain my absence, i decided that i'd had enough, and i put all my energy behind losing weight. in just a few months, i dropped 60 pounds, and suddenly everything came to life again. with my confidence boosted, i became more popular, i had no shortage of dates, and i started becoming more active in clubs and activities at school.

one evening, when my mom and i were grocery shopping, i spotted robin and instead of running away, this time i went up to her and said hello. she couldn't believe how much different i looked. and she asked me to come back. so i did. i went back, and i challenged myself with new classes. i took a job working for robin in her dance supply store, and we became very close. i was part of the dancing family. part of the decker family. there were dinners, and drinks, and post-recital parties, holiday gatherings. so much love and support. she was like a second mother to me. i had grown up under her care and her guidance.

when i left home to go to college, that community was what i missed most. it broke my heart. when i was home, i was there, but it wasn't the same anymore. at a time in my life when everything was turned upside down, what i wanted was that love and support and stability. i was learning so much more about who i was, and it frightened me. coming out was one of the most difficult things i've ever had to do, and when my family struggled with it so, i turned inward. i pulled away from everything i had known and put my energy into a woman who took my heart and held it captive. i allowed her to control my life, allowed her to keep me away from the people who truly loved me and cared for me. i stopped responding to letters and phone calls. i let every other relationship crumble, including the one i had with robin.

what a fool i was. when all was said and done, i was left with a broken heart and relationships damaged beyond repair.

so when robin died, it was a huge blow. i had foolishly thought i had time to try and mend the relationships i lost. but life doesn't work like that. when sue died, i should have taken heed and realized that there's never any guarantee for another day. i should have called robin and asked if she wanted to get dinner. i should have made the effort. but i didn't. and then she was gone. the second mother, the teacher, the friend, the biggest inspiration in my life. i let her slip away, and then i was left only with regret. it's something i feel daily. i kick myself each time i think about that stupidity. but the stupidity continues. i had made a vow that i wasn't going to let life just pass me by anymore. but here it is, three years later, and i'm no different. i still don't take care of myself. i still don't nurture those relationships. i'm still talking about the same things over and over and over again, but there's no action there.

i'm such a loser.

it's time to start taking responsibility. i have only today to make the right decisions, only now. and dammit, i'm not going to screw it up again.

robin, this one's for you.

over the hill

i feel like i'm having a mid-life crisis. well, not exactly, because i'm not at that mid-life point yet -- i'm 30 -- but i'm approaching it, which is why i'm having a crisis.

up until recently, i had sort of been living under the illusion that i was still a young thing in my twenties. even when i hit 30, i thought: i'm still so young. i have my whole life ahead of me. but that's not entirely true, is it. and the behaviors i had been allowing because i was still "young" and "busy with life and work" really need some adjusting. after all the weight gain from the brain tumor, i had fallen into the trap where i felt that it was okay to be seriously overweight. i'm eating less than most cheeseburger-inhaling americans, right? i'm vegetarian, i hike in the summers, i don't drink soda or eat whole boxes of twinkies. i'm healthy, even though i'm overweight, so it's okay, right? wrong. being older means i can't just let that be enough. i can't rest on my good blood pressure and cholesterol, or my relative youth anymore, because the older i get, the more problems this weight will cause. being vegetarian -- or better yet, vegan -- might help stave off the diabetes and heart disease for a little while, but eventually it will become an issue. it scares me to think about that, and to be honest, i'm tired of carrying around the emotional baggage that comes with being overweight. it's wearing on me. i wonder why i feel so tired and so down all the time, and i know it's because of how i look.

and it's not just the weight, either. i've allowed myself to live like a college student for too long -- the messy house, the doctors appointments i put off like term papers that i don't feel like doing, the takeout and pizza because i don't feel like cooking. allowing myself to indulge in things that i don't need to fill some hole in my life that i wouldn't have if i just got off my ass and did something. writing is my absolute passion, but i know i also use it as a way to get out of doing things that need to be done, like taking care of the house and myself. and it's nice to be a character who is thin and pretty and has a job she loves and a clean apartment. the problem is, i spend so much time cultivating her that i don't leave enough time to do the same with myself. and that's not to say i want to give up writing. jesus, that's the one thing that keeps me sane. well, that and my wife. but i need to allow myself a little of that energy to get my act together and become the person i want to be.

it's time to grow up.

and at the same time, it's time to live a little. my wife and i always joke that we're like a couple of old farts. this past weekend, we took a train to new york city. when we were getting off the train to come home at 8:00 at night, there were a bunch of people all dressed up, just getting ready to go into the city for a night of fun. i was ready for bed. the idea of going out dancing at 9:00 at night seems so absurd to us. but jeez, we're not that freaking old. and i feel like if i looked better and took better care of myself and wasn't overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done, i would probably have the energy to go out dancing. the energy to be the young thirty-something that i am.

there needs to be a balance. i just have to figure out a way to find it.

olympic couch potato

so, i have a new inspiration. olympic atheletes. watching the olympics has made me miss the old days when i was athletic. a dancer, with sculpted muscles and no rolls of fat. i need to get there again. or closer to it.

i mean, just look at these girls -- and they're figure skaters!

look at the muscles on these chicks!

damn. i really need to get back in shape. i feel like such a fat slob, sitting on the couch, packing my face with food while i watch the olympics.

so i'm embarking on my millionth attempt to lose weight and exercise and get back to a semi-respectable state of physical well-being. wish me luck.

tessa virtue, be my guide.



[photo 1: Canwest]
[photo 2: Xinhua/Reuters photo]