my own worst enemy

my wife's questions are good for me. they force me to look at myself a little more in depth, and they give me something to write about in here.

the most recent question -- if ted had my body, what would he be like? after telling her, she asked another, more important question: what stops me from doing the things ted would do. and of course, i can think of a million reasons why i can't be like ted. and it all comes down to fear. i'm not confident in my appearance, so i tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to clothing and makeup and hair and style. better play it safe, right? then people won't look at me more than they already do because i'm fat, and they won't judge me (any more than they already do because i'm fat). and also, i always want to be someone else. so, what if i chop my hair off and then the next week i want idina's long, lustrous locks again? or taylor's messy knot? i won't be able to undo it. i mean, hell, it took me two years to grow my hair out this long.

what if i just don't have the confidence to be me? what if my parents hate my look, or my co-workers, or worse -- my wife? i worry so much about what other people think. will i ever get out of my own way?