wig in a box

the more i think about all this 'who am i' stuff, the more out of place i feel. the more disjointed. i've never been very good at self-reflection. and i'm still not good at it.
i guess i need to start with how i feel about my appearance. we all know that my weight is an issue, and i'm working on that. but there are other things that bother me, too. my hair. my style. i just don't feel like me most of the time.

if i'm truly honest with myself, i'm more comfortable with short hair. so i think i'm going to get it cut, as frightening as that is to me after two years of growing it out. i'm tired of worrying what other people will think. i'm me. not everyone else. i don't have to look like them for them to like or accept me. and if that's how they feel about it, then why do i want their acceptance or approval at all? i have to stop changing myself to be what i think other people want me to be. it's so exhausting. and it doesn't really get me anywhere.

my style is another story. i feel like my style has more to do with how i feel on any given day. i always worry about trying to capture one look or style and keep to that at all times, but i don't think that's me. most of the time i want the sharp business look: a tie, a suit vest, a crisp button-down shirt with dress pants. and i love the preppy gap look, for sure. but i also like something more worn-in and comfortable, like khakis and a well-loved t-shirt. and then there's a piece of me that likes edgier stuff. and, as strange as it is to me most times, there's a girly side to me, too. a little piece of me likes pink and heels and purses and such. what i'm trying to do is learn how to accept all of those pieces of me, and realize that i can have all of those looks. i don't need to be one certain way. but for a long time, to hide myself and my body, i just got the same things: plain sweaters, plain shirts, straight-leg jeans, sneakers. and right now, all that stuff just makes me feel frumpy. i'm tired of it. it's just not me.

so. where do i start? i guess with the hair. but what cut to get? do i go with the missy higgins just-starting-to-grow-it-out-again look? the natalie portman it's-getting-long-enough-for-me-to-wax look? the choppy mariska season 3? the jackie warner / ellen degeneres waxable/spiky look? the tomboyish moira kelly do? or the eric hutchinson shag? do we need pics?