dude looks like a lady

day three of my lenten...exploration, i guess you could say. yesterday i thought a lot about something my wife said: clothing isn't who you are, it's only an expression of who you are. and yes, that's so very true. but for me, because i don't feel that i'm able to really be me, clothing is the way that i can show people who i am. in this case, i feel like expression of who i am is really important.

and i guess it really just all comes down to me being uncomfortable with who i am and how i look. if i were thinner, i could have short hair. i could wear the things i want. i could maybe wear heels without looking like miss piggy. and then there's the idea of gender, and where i fit into that spectrum. and i suspect that therein lies my biggest challenge. i want desperately to appear more androgynous. but it's kind of hard to do that with giant boobs and massive curves. still, i could try. i could do things that would help me feel more comfortable in my skin. i'm afraid, though. afraid that people won't get me, or will judge me. and that maybe i'll even judge myself if i don't like what i see. not that i don't already do that.

ugh, this is all so convoluted. and messed up. let me try this...

there's a character i created for a story a long time ago. and in the many stories that my wife and i have written, his character has slowly evolved into what i'm finding is probably the best three-dimensional reflection of who i am. and i didn't even mean to have that happen. i just found one day that ted is really me. he's transgender, but he's very androgynous. he's not afraid to embrace both his masculine and feminine traits. he wears nail polish and makeup. he likes pink. he likes guys and girls. and he knows who he is. he has confidence.

i am ted. and i want to be ted.

but how?