today is the start of lent, and i haven't yet figured out what to give up. i'm eating as little as possible, and i'm eating so well. so i can't exactly give up food. what else is there??
i've been thinking a lot these days about how i don't really know who i am. or, i don't allow myself to just be me. i hate me, after all. so it's so much easier to try and be someone else. i take these people that i like or admire, and i try to be just like them. i want to be just like them. i want idina's hair, and taylor's eyes, and tessa's body. i want to dress like them, and do the things they do. i find myself wondering at each decision if i'm doing something a certain way because it's me, or because it's someone else. and that really isn't a way to live. it's a lot of pressure, and it takes so much energy.
so, maybe what i can give up for lent is my need to hide myself and be someone different. it'll be hard, i think, but isn't that what you're supposed to do? giving up something easy isn't much of a challenge.
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