wig in a box

the more i think about all this 'who am i' stuff, the more out of place i feel. the more disjointed. i've never been very good at self-reflection. and i'm still not good at it.
i guess i need to start with how i feel about my appearance. we all know that my weight is an issue, and i'm working on that. but there are other things that bother me, too. my hair. my style. i just don't feel like me most of the time.

if i'm truly honest with myself, i'm more comfortable with short hair. so i think i'm going to get it cut, as frightening as that is to me after two years of growing it out. i'm tired of worrying what other people will think. i'm me. not everyone else. i don't have to look like them for them to like or accept me. and if that's how they feel about it, then why do i want their acceptance or approval at all? i have to stop changing myself to be what i think other people want me to be. it's so exhausting. and it doesn't really get me anywhere.

my style is another story. i feel like my style has more to do with how i feel on any given day. i always worry about trying to capture one look or style and keep to that at all times, but i don't think that's me. most of the time i want the sharp business look: a tie, a suit vest, a crisp button-down shirt with dress pants. and i love the preppy gap look, for sure. but i also like something more worn-in and comfortable, like khakis and a well-loved t-shirt. and then there's a piece of me that likes edgier stuff. and, as strange as it is to me most times, there's a girly side to me, too. a little piece of me likes pink and heels and purses and such. what i'm trying to do is learn how to accept all of those pieces of me, and realize that i can have all of those looks. i don't need to be one certain way. but for a long time, to hide myself and my body, i just got the same things: plain sweaters, plain shirts, straight-leg jeans, sneakers. and right now, all that stuff just makes me feel frumpy. i'm tired of it. it's just not me.

so. where do i start? i guess with the hair. but what cut to get? do i go with the missy higgins just-starting-to-grow-it-out-again look? the natalie portman it's-getting-long-enough-for-me-to-wax look? the choppy mariska season 3? the jackie warner / ellen degeneres waxable/spiky look? the tomboyish moira kelly do? or the eric hutchinson shag? do we need pics?

round 2

another question from my wife: what would you change, of the things you can change, if that fear weren't there?

well, i would probably cut my hair. i'd dress differently. i would dress how i was feeling that day (masucline or feminine) instead of dressing to go unnoticed. i would probably play more with gender at home. can't really do that at work, or out and about so much, but at home i could. and i'd probably want to explore it through sex a little more, too. i'd definitely be less inhibited.

my own worst enemy

my wife's questions are good for me. they force me to look at myself a little more in depth, and they give me something to write about in here.

the most recent question -- if ted had my body, what would he be like? after telling her, she asked another, more important question: what stops me from doing the things ted would do. and of course, i can think of a million reasons why i can't be like ted. and it all comes down to fear. i'm not confident in my appearance, so i tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to clothing and makeup and hair and style. better play it safe, right? then people won't look at me more than they already do because i'm fat, and they won't judge me (any more than they already do because i'm fat). and also, i always want to be someone else. so, what if i chop my hair off and then the next week i want idina's long, lustrous locks again? or taylor's messy knot? i won't be able to undo it. i mean, hell, it took me two years to grow my hair out this long.

what if i just don't have the confidence to be me? what if my parents hate my look, or my co-workers, or worse -- my wife? i worry so much about what other people think. will i ever get out of my own way?

dude looks like a lady

day three of my lenten...exploration, i guess you could say. yesterday i thought a lot about something my wife said: clothing isn't who you are, it's only an expression of who you are. and yes, that's so very true. but for me, because i don't feel that i'm able to really be me, clothing is the way that i can show people who i am. in this case, i feel like expression of who i am is really important.

and i guess it really just all comes down to me being uncomfortable with who i am and how i look. if i were thinner, i could have short hair. i could wear the things i want. i could maybe wear heels without looking like miss piggy. and then there's the idea of gender, and where i fit into that spectrum. and i suspect that therein lies my biggest challenge. i want desperately to appear more androgynous. but it's kind of hard to do that with giant boobs and massive curves. still, i could try. i could do things that would help me feel more comfortable in my skin. i'm afraid, though. afraid that people won't get me, or will judge me. and that maybe i'll even judge myself if i don't like what i see. not that i don't already do that.

ugh, this is all so convoluted. and messed up. let me try this...

there's a character i created for a story a long time ago. and in the many stories that my wife and i have written, his character has slowly evolved into what i'm finding is probably the best three-dimensional reflection of who i am. and i didn't even mean to have that happen. i just found one day that ted is really me. he's transgender, but he's very androgynous. he's not afraid to embrace both his masculine and feminine traits. he wears nail polish and makeup. he likes pink. he likes guys and girls. and he knows who he is. he has confidence.

i am ted. and i want to be ted.

but how?

a lenten fast of sorts

today is the start of lent, and i haven't yet figured out what to give up. i'm eating as little as possible, and i'm eating so well. so i can't exactly give up food. what else is there??

i've been thinking a lot these days about how i don't really know who i am. or, i don't allow myself to just be me. i hate me, after all. so it's so much easier to try and be someone else. i take these people that i like or admire, and i try to be just like them. i want to be just like them. i want idina's hair, and taylor's eyes, and tessa's body. i want to dress like them, and do the things they do. i find myself wondering at each decision if i'm doing something a certain way because it's me, or because it's someone else. and that really isn't a way to live. it's a lot of pressure, and it takes so much energy.

so, maybe what i can give up for lent is my need to hide myself and be someone different. it'll be hard, i think, but isn't that what you're supposed to do? giving up something easy isn't much of a challenge.