my brain is on overdrive. so much has been going on over the past month or so, and i feel like i'm drowning. i feel like i can never escape the noise of the day, be it in my ears or in my head. i keep struggling for a little downtime to catch my breath, but i never seem to get it. i feel tired. so tired. so fried.
i have millions of things i want to do and accomplish, and i never do any of them because i'm so struck down by the day-to-day. how can i pursue my dreams when i can hardly manage to go to work and cook and work out without being exhausted?
maybe i should make a list of the things i want, or the things i want to do. i suppose i can't really formulate a plan for accomplishing goals if i don't actually write down what those goals are. so, here goes:
1. i want to have a family. i want my wife and i to have a baby. i'd love to have a few kids, but honestly, one would be fine. i want this more than almost anything.
2. i want to work on a collaborative writing project with my wife (and not just our on-going shared story that we do every day). i want us to publish something, to maybe do something that could make a difference in the lives of LGBT kids or teens or adults. i want to do something to help others, and writing seems to be the best way to do it.
3. i want to get rid of everything and have a beautiful, organized home. i was a bit of a hoarder, and our house is full of stuff that we have no room for. it's time to do a total overhaul and declutter and get out our prized possessions so we can enjoy them. right now they're all packed away in boxes.
4. i want to lose weight and get in shape. this is something i'm working on, but it's going to take a long time and a lot of hard work to get where i want to be. losing weight and getting in shape will help me be healthier and feel better, and it's something i absolutely have to do.
5. i want to have the time and energy to enjoy hobbies like photography and art. i want to create more. i want to go back to teaching myself how to play the guitar. i want to make movies with my wife.
6. i want to figure out how to just be me.
a lot of hard work there. so many things need to happen or be done in order to make these dreams a reality. but i suppose i just have to take it one step at a time.
i'm hoping to catch a little quiet time this weekend to regain my focus and figure out what i have to do. i'm not getting any younger. now's the time.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
guns & poses
this week, i'm sick. coughing, puking, whining. that kind of wonderful sick. and i hate it. last week, i had an elbow injury that kept me from doing much besides going for one run (the rest of the week it rained). and now this stupid illness has me down for all of this week. and who knows when my lungs will be ready to handle running or jillian or any of that fun again.
but anyway. in my lying around on the couch, i've been watching random shit, and today's randomness came in the form of a movie i saw a few years ago called "the gymnast." damn, i'd forgotten how unbelievably buff dreya weber is.
but anyway. in my lying around on the couch, i've been watching random shit, and today's randomness came in the form of a movie i saw a few years ago called "the gymnast." damn, i'd forgotten how unbelievably buff dreya weber is.
see what i mean? that girl makes me feel like getting up and going for a six-hour run. well, if i weren't sick, that is. she's just a tad too muscular for my tastes (all that aerial work makes her neck too...bulgy or something), but still -- i'd kill to have those abs and arms and legs. wouldn't you? i know she's done all the aerial choreography for p!nk and cher and all those people, but i think she's also involved in the whole p90x thing. i think they even named some moves after her or something? i've been hearing a lot about it, but i still don't exactly know what it's about. but if it could help me look like that, well, maybe i should at least read about it.
ugh. i need to get better already. my fat is expanding day by fucking day.
Friday, March 18, 2011
wig in a box
the more i think about all this 'who am i' stuff, the more out of place i feel. the more disjointed. i've never been very good at self-reflection. and i'm still not good at it.
i guess i need to start with how i feel about my appearance. we all know that my weight is an issue, and i'm working on that. but there are other things that bother me, too. my hair. my style. i just don't feel like me most of the time.
if i'm truly honest with myself, i'm more comfortable with short hair. so i think i'm going to get it cut, as frightening as that is to me after two years of growing it out. i'm tired of worrying what other people will think. i'm me. not everyone else. i don't have to look like them for them to like or accept me. and if that's how they feel about it, then why do i want their acceptance or approval at all? i have to stop changing myself to be what i think other people want me to be. it's so exhausting. and it doesn't really get me anywhere.
my style is another story. i feel like my style has more to do with how i feel on any given day. i always worry about trying to capture one look or style and keep to that at all times, but i don't think that's me. most of the time i want the sharp business look: a tie, a suit vest, a crisp button-down shirt with dress pants. and i love the preppy gap look, for sure. but i also like something more worn-in and comfortable, like khakis and a well-loved t-shirt. and then there's a piece of me that likes edgier stuff. and, as strange as it is to me most times, there's a girly side to me, too. a little piece of me likes pink and heels and purses and such. what i'm trying to do is learn how to accept all of those pieces of me, and realize that i can have all of those looks. i don't need to be one certain way. but for a long time, to hide myself and my body, i just got the same things: plain sweaters, plain shirts, straight-leg jeans, sneakers. and right now, all that stuff just makes me feel frumpy. i'm tired of it. it's just not me.
so. where do i start? i guess with the hair. but what cut to get? do i go with the missy higgins just-starting-to-grow-it-out-again look? the natalie portman it's-getting-long-enough-for-me-to-wax look? the choppy mariska season 3? the jackie warner / ellen degeneres waxable/spiky look? the tomboyish moira kelly do? or the eric hutchinson shag? do we need pics?
i guess i need to start with how i feel about my appearance. we all know that my weight is an issue, and i'm working on that. but there are other things that bother me, too. my hair. my style. i just don't feel like me most of the time.
if i'm truly honest with myself, i'm more comfortable with short hair. so i think i'm going to get it cut, as frightening as that is to me after two years of growing it out. i'm tired of worrying what other people will think. i'm me. not everyone else. i don't have to look like them for them to like or accept me. and if that's how they feel about it, then why do i want their acceptance or approval at all? i have to stop changing myself to be what i think other people want me to be. it's so exhausting. and it doesn't really get me anywhere.
my style is another story. i feel like my style has more to do with how i feel on any given day. i always worry about trying to capture one look or style and keep to that at all times, but i don't think that's me. most of the time i want the sharp business look: a tie, a suit vest, a crisp button-down shirt with dress pants. and i love the preppy gap look, for sure. but i also like something more worn-in and comfortable, like khakis and a well-loved t-shirt. and then there's a piece of me that likes edgier stuff. and, as strange as it is to me most times, there's a girly side to me, too. a little piece of me likes pink and heels and purses and such. what i'm trying to do is learn how to accept all of those pieces of me, and realize that i can have all of those looks. i don't need to be one certain way. but for a long time, to hide myself and my body, i just got the same things: plain sweaters, plain shirts, straight-leg jeans, sneakers. and right now, all that stuff just makes me feel frumpy. i'm tired of it. it's just not me.
so. where do i start? i guess with the hair. but what cut to get? do i go with the missy higgins just-starting-to-grow-it-out-again look? the natalie portman it's-getting-long-enough-for-me-to-wax look? the choppy mariska season 3? the jackie warner / ellen degeneres waxable/spiky look? the tomboyish moira kelly do? or the eric hutchinson shag? do we need pics?
Monday, March 14, 2011
round 2
another question from my wife: what would you change, of the things you can change, if that fear weren't there?
well, i would probably cut my hair. i'd dress differently. i would dress how i was feeling that day (masucline or feminine) instead of dressing to go unnoticed. i would probably play more with gender at home. can't really do that at work, or out and about so much, but at home i could. and i'd probably want to explore it through sex a little more, too. i'd definitely be less inhibited.
well, i would probably cut my hair. i'd dress differently. i would dress how i was feeling that day (masucline or feminine) instead of dressing to go unnoticed. i would probably play more with gender at home. can't really do that at work, or out and about so much, but at home i could. and i'd probably want to explore it through sex a little more, too. i'd definitely be less inhibited.
my own worst enemy
my wife's questions are good for me. they force me to look at myself a little more in depth, and they give me something to write about in here.
the most recent question -- if ted had my body, what would he be like? after telling her, she asked another, more important question: what stops me from doing the things ted would do. and of course, i can think of a million reasons why i can't be like ted. and it all comes down to fear. i'm not confident in my appearance, so i tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to clothing and makeup and hair and style. better play it safe, right? then people won't look at me more than they already do because i'm fat, and they won't judge me (any more than they already do because i'm fat). and also, i always want to be someone else. so, what if i chop my hair off and then the next week i want idina's long, lustrous locks again? or taylor's messy knot? i won't be able to undo it. i mean, hell, it took me two years to grow my hair out this long.
what if i just don't have the confidence to be me? what if my parents hate my look, or my co-workers, or worse -- my wife? i worry so much about what other people think. will i ever get out of my own way?
the most recent question -- if ted had my body, what would he be like? after telling her, she asked another, more important question: what stops me from doing the things ted would do. and of course, i can think of a million reasons why i can't be like ted. and it all comes down to fear. i'm not confident in my appearance, so i tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to clothing and makeup and hair and style. better play it safe, right? then people won't look at me more than they already do because i'm fat, and they won't judge me (any more than they already do because i'm fat). and also, i always want to be someone else. so, what if i chop my hair off and then the next week i want idina's long, lustrous locks again? or taylor's messy knot? i won't be able to undo it. i mean, hell, it took me two years to grow my hair out this long.
what if i just don't have the confidence to be me? what if my parents hate my look, or my co-workers, or worse -- my wife? i worry so much about what other people think. will i ever get out of my own way?
Friday, March 11, 2011
dude looks like a lady
day three of my lenten...exploration, i guess you could say. yesterday i thought a lot about something my wife said: clothing isn't who you are, it's only an expression of who you are. and yes, that's so very true. but for me, because i don't feel that i'm able to really be me, clothing is the way that i can show people who i am. in this case, i feel like expression of who i am is really important.
and i guess it really just all comes down to me being uncomfortable with who i am and how i look. if i were thinner, i could have short hair. i could wear the things i want. i could maybe wear heels without looking like miss piggy. and then there's the idea of gender, and where i fit into that spectrum. and i suspect that therein lies my biggest challenge. i want desperately to appear more androgynous. but it's kind of hard to do that with giant boobs and massive curves. still, i could try. i could do things that would help me feel more comfortable in my skin. i'm afraid, though. afraid that people won't get me, or will judge me. and that maybe i'll even judge myself if i don't like what i see. not that i don't already do that.
ugh, this is all so convoluted. and messed up. let me try this...
there's a character i created for a story a long time ago. and in the many stories that my wife and i have written, his character has slowly evolved into what i'm finding is probably the best three-dimensional reflection of who i am. and i didn't even mean to have that happen. i just found one day that ted is really me. he's transgender, but he's very androgynous. he's not afraid to embrace both his masculine and feminine traits. he wears nail polish and makeup. he likes pink. he likes guys and girls. and he knows who he is. he has confidence.
i am ted. and i want to be ted.
but how?
and i guess it really just all comes down to me being uncomfortable with who i am and how i look. if i were thinner, i could have short hair. i could wear the things i want. i could maybe wear heels without looking like miss piggy. and then there's the idea of gender, and where i fit into that spectrum. and i suspect that therein lies my biggest challenge. i want desperately to appear more androgynous. but it's kind of hard to do that with giant boobs and massive curves. still, i could try. i could do things that would help me feel more comfortable in my skin. i'm afraid, though. afraid that people won't get me, or will judge me. and that maybe i'll even judge myself if i don't like what i see. not that i don't already do that.
ugh, this is all so convoluted. and messed up. let me try this...
there's a character i created for a story a long time ago. and in the many stories that my wife and i have written, his character has slowly evolved into what i'm finding is probably the best three-dimensional reflection of who i am. and i didn't even mean to have that happen. i just found one day that ted is really me. he's transgender, but he's very androgynous. he's not afraid to embrace both his masculine and feminine traits. he wears nail polish and makeup. he likes pink. he likes guys and girls. and he knows who he is. he has confidence.
i am ted. and i want to be ted.
but how?
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
a lenten fast of sorts
today is the start of lent, and i haven't yet figured out what to give up. i'm eating as little as possible, and i'm eating so well. so i can't exactly give up food. what else is there??
i've been thinking a lot these days about how i don't really know who i am. or, i don't allow myself to just be me. i hate me, after all. so it's so much easier to try and be someone else. i take these people that i like or admire, and i try to be just like them. i want to be just like them. i want idina's hair, and taylor's eyes, and tessa's body. i want to dress like them, and do the things they do. i find myself wondering at each decision if i'm doing something a certain way because it's me, or because it's someone else. and that really isn't a way to live. it's a lot of pressure, and it takes so much energy.
so, maybe what i can give up for lent is my need to hide myself and be someone different. it'll be hard, i think, but isn't that what you're supposed to do? giving up something easy isn't much of a challenge.
i've been thinking a lot these days about how i don't really know who i am. or, i don't allow myself to just be me. i hate me, after all. so it's so much easier to try and be someone else. i take these people that i like or admire, and i try to be just like them. i want to be just like them. i want idina's hair, and taylor's eyes, and tessa's body. i want to dress like them, and do the things they do. i find myself wondering at each decision if i'm doing something a certain way because it's me, or because it's someone else. and that really isn't a way to live. it's a lot of pressure, and it takes so much energy.
so, maybe what i can give up for lent is my need to hide myself and be someone different. it'll be hard, i think, but isn't that what you're supposed to do? giving up something easy isn't much of a challenge.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
boring measurement post
for the record:
chest: 49"
waist: 46"
hips: 52.75"
left bicep: 15.5"
right bicep: 14.75"
left thigh: 30.5"
right thigh: 30.5"
left calf: 16.5"
right calf: 16"
yuck.
chest: 49"
waist: 46"
hips: 52.75"
left bicep: 15.5"
right bicep: 14.75"
left thigh: 30.5"
right thigh: 30.5"
left calf: 16.5"
right calf: 16"
yuck.
operation idina abs
okay, so, like usual, i need motivation to do this shit. my motivation right now? i'm going to be seeing idina menzel in concert at the end of march. and i'm planning to meet her after the show, which means it's time to get my ass a little skinnier.
and what better inspiration for getting thin for idina than idina herself. her pre-pregnancy abs were smokin'. HOT. and her arms are also amazing. so, the current name of my project to get thinner before the end of march is called operation idina abs.
ready to be assaulted by photos of idina's amazing abs? of course you are.
hot damn, idina.
oh, and her bikram yoga abs. jesus.
oh no, here they come. watch out!
DAMN, girl. those things are lethal. and i love them. and they are my inspiration right now. gotta lose this fucking weight.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
low point. low point.
11 pounds gone in three weeks. and my grand total is now up to 33 pounds lost. i'm happy. very happy.
and very unhappy, too. something happened the other day that i haven't even been able to discuss with my wife. i'm embarrassed, ashamed, and a little scared of what it says about my current mental and emotional state. back when i was in high school, i took dieting to the extreme. i became obsessed with limiting my calories down to practically nothing. the longer i could go, the better i felt. it was almost like an addiction, that extra minute of hunger, that one bite less each meal. i lost lots of weight, but i also ended up getting sick because of it.
when i started dieting again during the spring, i felt that familiar rush at being able to control my eating. controlling the calories, making myself wait as long as possible despite the hunger pains. and each time i put something in my mouth, i feel guilty about it. those were the trademarks of my previous experience, but i really didn't think about myself being in any true danger this time. i like food too much now to go completely without.
but then tuesday happened. it was a horrible day, and after i dropped my wife off at the house to shovel so i could get into the driveway, i drove around and ended up at wendy's, depressed and starving. knowing that i'd have to go home and shovel, i figured i should eat something to keep up my strength. so i got a large fry. i ate about half and was totally disgusted with myself. they tasted nasty, i felt nasty, and i wanted them gone. and so i did something that i've never done before -- i tried purging. i failed, of course, after several rounds of gagging. nothing came up. and i kept thinking about all that fat and all those calories.
and that terrifies me. in all my years of food guilt and starving myself, i never once tried purging. i would once in a while get some chocolate and chew it, then spit it out. but i never tried to make myself throw up.
i don't think i'll ever do that again. i think it was a moment of desperation. i felt so out of control because of what happened at work, and i think my mind just went to that dark place momentarily. but i don't see it happening again.
still, it happened. and i feel so ashamed of it. so ashamed that i haven't been able to tell my wife. what would i say? i ate fries and tried to barf them up? i don't want her worrying. because i don't think there's any real reason to worry about me doing that again. or even starving myself, because i love food waaaaaaaaay too much. but i had to get it out so she could at least read it, and here it is.
don't worry, sweetie. i promise i'm okay.
and very unhappy, too. something happened the other day that i haven't even been able to discuss with my wife. i'm embarrassed, ashamed, and a little scared of what it says about my current mental and emotional state. back when i was in high school, i took dieting to the extreme. i became obsessed with limiting my calories down to practically nothing. the longer i could go, the better i felt. it was almost like an addiction, that extra minute of hunger, that one bite less each meal. i lost lots of weight, but i also ended up getting sick because of it.
when i started dieting again during the spring, i felt that familiar rush at being able to control my eating. controlling the calories, making myself wait as long as possible despite the hunger pains. and each time i put something in my mouth, i feel guilty about it. those were the trademarks of my previous experience, but i really didn't think about myself being in any true danger this time. i like food too much now to go completely without.
but then tuesday happened. it was a horrible day, and after i dropped my wife off at the house to shovel so i could get into the driveway, i drove around and ended up at wendy's, depressed and starving. knowing that i'd have to go home and shovel, i figured i should eat something to keep up my strength. so i got a large fry. i ate about half and was totally disgusted with myself. they tasted nasty, i felt nasty, and i wanted them gone. and so i did something that i've never done before -- i tried purging. i failed, of course, after several rounds of gagging. nothing came up. and i kept thinking about all that fat and all those calories.
and that terrifies me. in all my years of food guilt and starving myself, i never once tried purging. i would once in a while get some chocolate and chew it, then spit it out. but i never tried to make myself throw up.
i don't think i'll ever do that again. i think it was a moment of desperation. i felt so out of control because of what happened at work, and i think my mind just went to that dark place momentarily. but i don't see it happening again.
still, it happened. and i feel so ashamed of it. so ashamed that i haven't been able to tell my wife. what would i say? i ate fries and tried to barf them up? i don't want her worrying. because i don't think there's any real reason to worry about me doing that again. or even starving myself, because i love food waaaaaaaaay too much. but i had to get it out so she could at least read it, and here it is.
don't worry, sweetie. i promise i'm okay.
Friday, January 28, 2011
catching up
believe it or not, i've lost a total of 8 pounds over the past 2 1/2 weeks. which means i've lost all the weight i put on over the fall, and i'm back to a grand total of 30 pounds gone. i'm so happy.
now comes the fun part, where i go above 30. i have about 100 pounds to lose still, but i'm going to take it one day at a time. it wasn't too hard to get to 30, so i can take it on. it's going to feel so good to get this weight off, and hopefully this time i can keep it off. moderation is the key. if i want something bad, i'll have it. but 90% of the time i'll be good. that works for me. not total deprivation, because that's just not realistic.
plus, i have the motivation of having an old friend come to visit in june. i haven't seen her since 2001, and i've put on quite a lot of weight since then, so i'm a little nervous. i always get this way when seeing old friends. i feel embarrassed, and self-conscious. i don't even like having pictures of me tagged on facebook, because then everyone can see how fat i've gotten. so this visit will be a great motivation to stick to the plan and lose the damn weight.
just gotta keep thinking about idina and tessa and taylor. what would taylor schilling do?
now comes the fun part, where i go above 30. i have about 100 pounds to lose still, but i'm going to take it one day at a time. it wasn't too hard to get to 30, so i can take it on. it's going to feel so good to get this weight off, and hopefully this time i can keep it off. moderation is the key. if i want something bad, i'll have it. but 90% of the time i'll be good. that works for me. not total deprivation, because that's just not realistic.
plus, i have the motivation of having an old friend come to visit in june. i haven't seen her since 2001, and i've put on quite a lot of weight since then, so i'm a little nervous. i always get this way when seeing old friends. i feel embarrassed, and self-conscious. i don't even like having pictures of me tagged on facebook, because then everyone can see how fat i've gotten. so this visit will be a great motivation to stick to the plan and lose the damn weight.
just gotta keep thinking about idina and tessa and taylor. what would taylor schilling do?
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
back to reality
i'm back, kids. back with a renewed quest for health and less-fat-than-i-am-now-ness.
before the fall, i had lost 30 pounds. and i was extremely proud of it. i was able to get into a size 20, which is something i haven't seen in many, many years. and i felt great. but then vacation happened, and i fell off the wagon. after four months of eating whatever i wanted, i gained back 8 of those pounds.
but after two weeks back on the diet, i've lost 6 of those 8 pounds. not too bad. i was hoping for a better number, but i'll take it. i'm exercising every day, i'm eating a ton of fresh, healthy food. and i feel great.
still inspired by one ms. taylor schilling (a.k.a. skinny little bitch), and miss tessa virtue. but i've also rekindled my love -- uh, i mean admiration -- for idina menzel. she's not super skinny anymore, but i like that about her. she's always been a solid figure, and that's cool. but i will admit that her bikram yoga body was smokin'.
damn. look at those freaking abs. you won't see me doing bikram, though. i'll just have to settle for her post-pregnancy tummy. and i can live with that.
before the fall, i had lost 30 pounds. and i was extremely proud of it. i was able to get into a size 20, which is something i haven't seen in many, many years. and i felt great. but then vacation happened, and i fell off the wagon. after four months of eating whatever i wanted, i gained back 8 of those pounds.
but after two weeks back on the diet, i've lost 6 of those 8 pounds. not too bad. i was hoping for a better number, but i'll take it. i'm exercising every day, i'm eating a ton of fresh, healthy food. and i feel great.
still inspired by one ms. taylor schilling (a.k.a. skinny little bitch), and miss tessa virtue. but i've also rekindled my love -- uh, i mean admiration -- for idina menzel. she's not super skinny anymore, but i like that about her. she's always been a solid figure, and that's cool. but i will admit that her bikram yoga body was smokin'.
damn. look at those freaking abs. you won't see me doing bikram, though. i'll just have to settle for her post-pregnancy tummy. and i can live with that.
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