like, gag me with a spoon

having the stomach flu can be good for a diet. or really bad. bad, because the only thing you feel like eating is ice cream. that, combined with the sugar of the ginger ale, and the carbs in the crackers -- well, it makes for a high-fat illness diet.

and then comes the giant pizza you consume when you finally start feeling better.

yeah. i'm there.

back to the diet on monday, though. gotta get rid of this fat.

i'm supposed to be writing a blog entry about how i get discouraged so easily. but when you're discouraged about writing, it's hard to write about it.

but i know it's relevant. especially when i'm about to embark on a diet tomorrow.

but nano is different. i can force myself to exercise and to eat well, but i just can't force creativity, or good writing. i tried tonight and failed miserably. and it makes me want to abandon the whole project.

i'd like to believe i won't abandon my weight loss plan, but who knows -- after a bad day, i might end up turning to junk food, or skipping exercise. i don't want to do that, though. i need to lose weight, and i need to get in shape. for my health, it's important that i stick with this. so i'm going to, even if i have momentary setbacks.

nano, though -- well, i don't know. i guess we'll see how i feel tomorrow. but right now, it doesn't look too good.

put down the pizza, and no one gets hurt

she's gonna shoot me if i eat any pizza.

so in my attempt to find more motivational mariska hargitay pictures, i found that she's posed nude. stunning photograph, by the way, though i'm not crazy about nudity. not that i'm opposed to it -- i just usually prefer people with their clothes on. even sexy ones, like MH.

i also discovered that she is gay. okay, so she's not really gay (what with being married to peter and all that), but dang she kisses a lot of women. i should make a new side blog called "mariska is gay," and then i can post pictures like the one of her fondling hillary swank's breasts. of course, if i made such a blog, i'd have all the olivia/alex/casey/any-female-on-the-show shippers after me all the time.

this weekend, after all the halloween festivities are over, i should pull out my favorite inspirational movies to help get me into workout mode: "the cutting edge," and "a league of their own." both of those movies always make me want to get buff. and putting on a little season 3 "svu" couldn't hurt, either. she was in her prime then, with that lovely short hair. just gotta lose 20 pounds and i can get my hair cut like that.

gotta do it.

did i mention that i'm hungry?

[image cred: http://www.mho.princesspetal.co.uk/]

there are a great many things that sabotage my motivation. most of them have to do with my moods -- if i'm happy, i eat. if i'm sad, i eat. and when things are really good or really bad, i feel like worrying about a diet is the last thing i should be doing. i'm all about rewards and comfort food.

so here we are.

my aunt is in the hospital right now, and it doesn't look like she'll be with us too much longer. things like this make me want to forget about a stupid diet. there's so much more to worry about: how long will she live? what will happen to her husband? her beloved animals? will her wishes be carried out? will my parents and i have to be the ones to ensure that they are?

really, with all these things to think about, does it make sense to be counting every calorie?

normally i'd say no, but today -- well, today i'm going to try looking at this a different way. the best thing i can do right now is be there for my family. and if i'm taking care of myself, i'll be better able to take care of them.

and each day i put off making this change, the further i get from my goal, and from a healthy lifestyle. making this change now ensures that i'm doing all i can to live a good, long life. and that will enable me to be there for my parents when they get older.

every day makes a difference.

so here we are. the other night, i went for a walk in the rain. i even jogged for a quarter of a mile. and today, i'm not going to give in and get pizza to make me feel momentarily better. because eating that pizza won't make my aunt any better. and once that moment of good food is over, i'll be left right where i was before, but with the added weight of disappointment.

i'm making a promise to myself, and i intend to keep it.

started sparkpeople again today. tracked my food, and actually went for a nice walk at the park after work. i even jogged a little, though my jogging is much slower than my walking, so it doesn't really count. but it's something.

trying to come up with rewards for myself for each goal i hit. maybe it'll make dieting and exercising more appealing.

here's what i've got:

10 pounds: a new vegan or raw cookbook
20 pounds: hair cut (i want season 3 olivia benson hair)
30 pounds: a new workout dvd
40 pounds: contacts
50 pounds: $50 worth of new jewelry

all of those rewards will either help me achieve further goals, or help boost my self-confidence. so i think they're pretty good.

guess we'll see how far i make it.

what of it?

not off to a great start this weekend. friday night: pizza. saturday lunch: pizza. saturday dinner: veggie pad thai. oh, and yes, there were snacks in between those meals. like vegan strawberry almond pie. gluten-free chocolate-dipped lace cookies. gluten-free chocolate cupcakes with frosting.

and today we're off to one of our favorite places: millbrook, ny. home of the millbrook diner french fries. and since albany is a stop on our trip back, well, it's sort of hard to pass up little anthony's vegan chicken nuggets.

oh, dear. yeah, that's right. super-skinny taylor schilling will be pissed.

she does look kinda pissed, doesn't she?

[photo cred: zap2it.com]

welcome to the gun show

that's right. a right pansy is what i am. an overweight, undermotivated pansy. i used to be a bit more butch, toughing it out on long hikes with my wife and going to the gym all the time, but i fell off the wagon and can't seem to get back on.

so this is my motivation: posting my weight, my measurements, my goals, my failures, my hopes, my weaknesses. maybe seeing it all on paper (or screen) will keep me going.

so, above is my first motivational picture. olivia benson, all sexy and whatnot. can i look like her, please? damn.

[photo cred: communities.livejournal.com/ob_fangrrl]