what would taylor schilling do?

11 pounds. five weeks and 11 pounds down. only 139 pounds to go. seems like such an impossible feat, but i'm committed to making it happen. and it's gotten easier. i got over that second week slump where you feel like your body is going to eat itself because you're so hungry. and i got past the fourth week slump where you wonder why you're still doing this and you just want to go back to eating normally again. now i'm closing in on week six, and it's not so hard anymore. i don't get nearly as hungry, and i have more energy for exercising.

the other night, at the track, on my sixth lap of walking, i suddenly remembered taylor schilling. what would she do? would she wimp out on running because she was tired and hungry? hell no. she'd get that skinny little ass in gear and run. so run is what i did. and i was able to run for longer distances. i'm so proud of myself. made me almost want to go out to the track last night and repeat my performance. except that last night was strength training and boxing night. also housework night.

oh, and -- taylor schilling night. new episode of "mercy." you can bet your ass that my ass was on the couch for that hour. gotta love those dimples.

v is for...

four weeks ago, i made the decision to go vegan. i didn't really tell anyone, like my parents or anything. i just said i wasn't eating cheese because of the fat content. but really, i was giving this vegan thing a test run. and here i am, four weeks later, and the only non-vegan thing i've had was a single bite of birthday cake. i'm pretty impressed. i didn't think i could give up mozzarella cheese, which was really the only thing stopping me from going vegan. but it hasn't been too bad. yeah, i've had cravings. but overall, i feel pretty good about the decision. and i'm going to continue with it.

today, though, i told my soon-to-be co-workers that i'm vegan, and they were full of the same questions that most meat eaters are: how do you get your protein? what if the milk is organic? don't you know that humans are meant to eat meat? there's a circle of life for a reason... yada, yada, yada. i was pretty much getting attacked by one person, in particular, who went to vet school and said she went veg during her time in college because of all the research she was reading. but then decided she couldn't live that way, and now tries to do organic/local/self-sustaining farming. and i think that's great. if i raised my dairy cows and milked them myself and had a way to pasteurize the milk, yeah, maybe i wouldn't be vegan. but the thing is that i don't, so i have to go with what works for me. i told her that i'm not out to convert anyone, or push my beliefs on anyone -- what's right for me isn't right for everyone. but she just wouldn't let it go. and i was reminded of myself ten years ago, when i was just as hostile with my wife because i didn't understand it, and i probably had some guilt in there too. i chose not to think about how my food choices mattered because i didn't want to give up the things i enjoyed. being a picky eater, chicken and turkey and cheese subs were my staples. and so a lot of my lashing out probably had to do with my own insecurities and feelings of guilt for eating animals.

but things are different today. i did a lot of research, and there were health problems to contend with, too. going organic did a lot for relieving the symptoms of my pituitary tumor, but not enough. giving up meat altogether did help. and now that i've given up dairy, i feel even better. it was a choice that i made for both my spiritual and physical well-being. it really isn't for everyone, and i understand that. for me, it really is a spiritual thing. my soul feels lighter as a result, and as hokey as that might sound to others, it's just how it is. not everyone will choose this path, and i accept that. i'm not into the PETA way of doing things -- cramming it down the throats of anyone who will listen. extremism always seems harmful to me, because it pushes people away. instead, i'd rather live by example. this is an alternative, for people who might want to feel healthier or reduce their footprint or find a more compassionate way of living.

but again, it's not for everyone. this is just my journey. and all i can do is be present in it, and hope that people will understand.

the wrath of taylor schilling

last night i didn't feel like running at the track. i kept a good pace with the walking, but i just didn't feel up for jogging.

and this is the face taylor is giving me now:



"Oh, so you just didn't feel like it," she says. she's not impressed.

see what i mean?

today, though, i'm going to do cardio in addition to my scheduled strength training.

oh, and look at that smile now.


see? taylor's happy when i exercise.

look at that pretty smile. those sparkling blue eyes, those perfect white teeth. those dimples (oh dear god those dimples). the confidently messy hair. she knows she's pretty.


even in that boxy poly-cotton blend bowling shirt. she's confident. and that goes far.

maybe someday that will be me. not the pretty smile or perfect teeth or dimples. but the confidence. think i can get there again? jeez, i sure hope so.

[photo 1: nbc.com / photos 2+3: broadwayworld.com]

look out, below

i'm feeling good today. positive. almost upbeat. i was thinking lots about our favorite place to go, acadia, and thinking about the hundreds of wonderful hiking and climbing trails available to us. i've got to get in shape so that we can do lots of them while on vacation in the fall. the one i'd really like to do is the precipice trail, which is a one-mile straight-up-the-side-of-a-cliff hike. they consider it a non-technical climb. it's that steep. you're basically hanging on to the oddly-placed metal rungs that are jutting out from the rock wall.


yup, there it is.

it's tough to do when you're in shape and small, but hauling my fat ass up there? no way. i want to do it, though. and if i train hard enough, maybe i can. perhaps not this fall, but maybe next fall.

now that it's staying light out later in the evening, we've gotta start hiking after work. even if we just go to kennedy park, or pleasant valley, or wherever, and try to do the more difficult trails within those parks.

god i love hiking. you sweat, and you get out of breath, and you're exhausted and bugs are biting you and it's hell on earth, but it's also so rewarding and amazing. one of my favorite things to do. for me, it's a spiritual experience.

so, it's time to lace up those new hiking boots and hit the trails. and hopefully that will help me shed some more of this weight.

skinny little bitch

you know what? taylor schilling is a pain in my ass. she's skinny and tall and gorgeous, and it makes me mad. every time i want to eat something bad, or skip a day of exercise, there she is, pointing that skinny finger of hers at me. "you wanna be a fatty all your life?" she asks, doing that adorable rapid blinking thing that she does.


curses. how can i slack off when those cute dimples are staring me in the face? dimples. i used to sort of have dimples, back before i got fat.

but i digress.

do you know how many pounds i lost last week? zip. that's right. i slacked off with my exercising, and i lost nothing. i'm irritated. i've been so good the past three weeks, eating salads for lunch, and rice and veggies for dinner. no chips, no cheese, no ice cream, no donuts, no cheating. and i got nothing for it last week. oh well. now that my wife is back, the exercising has resumed. and i've been better about eating, too. let's hope it pays off this week.

you can back off now, taylor. i'm back on track.

slugs-r-us

so, i actually lost five pounds last week. my weigh-in day is tuesday, but i just couldn't wait which is why i got on the scale on monday. when i got on tuesday, i'd lost five pounds. sweet!

but i've been such a slug this week with the wife out of town that i will probably gain it all back. i haven't worked out since saturday, and i haven't been good about making a salad for lunch each day. i have stayed pretty well within my calories, but i'm worried about the not-working-out thing. gonna get my butt back in gear tonight, though. sweatin' to the oldies, here i come.

also, i really need to get my act together and get the house in good shape. we're going on vacation in just over two weeks, and i don't want the house looking like hell. all i want to do on the weekends is write and plan little trips for us, etc. but what i really should be doing is cleaning the house from top to bottom. and then once it's clean, get a schedule going to keep it that way.

but again, i'm a slug. and you can't teach an old slug new tricks.

the easter bunny left me a tempeh burger

another three pounds. i'm getting slightly discouraged. but i'm trying to think about it this way: i'm six pounds lighter than i was two weeks ago. and that's better than nothing, right? i just feel like i should be losing more, for all the calorie-counting and exercising i'm doing. but it is more sustainable to lose it slowly.

i sort of fell off the wagon when it came to journaling and chores last week, but i did stick to my meal plans (pretty much) and exercising. this week, with the wife out of town, i'm hoping to get back into the chore thing. i guess we'll see.

yesterday was a day of poor eating. it was easter, after all, so there was a good vegan brunch at mom and dad's. it could have been a lot worse, but there were pancakes and veggie bacon and homefries and hash browns. and then we went to this amazing vegan restaurant in connecticut where we had the best tempeh burgers ever. roasted red peppers, basil/cilantro pesto, vegan cheese -- yum! i felt really guilty for going so far off the diet, but it was a holiday. and i'm back on track today...sort of. i have to finish off the leftover potatoes and pancakes, and then it's back to salad and fruit.

yay. can you feel my excitement?